Grace-based relationships

Our theme this month is "grace-based relationships." Now, that’s an awfully broad subject.

What kind of relationships do we have?

And the question is, Does God’s grace toward us make any difference in the way we treat other people?

Well, it’s supposed to.

I would like to talk today a little about how grace should affect our relationships.

And I will begin with a disclaimer: I live in a glass house on this one. I’m not very good at relationships. I don’t love people the way I ought to, I offend people without knowing it, I don’t have a good feel for the unwritten expectations that people have of what I am "supposed" to do. I just can’t figure some people out.

Some of you already know that, but I thought I ought to say it so that you will know that I know it, too, and just because I’m speaking about relationships doesn’t mean that I consider myself good at them. I speak as somebody who is starting to learn, not as someone who has it all figured out.

Well, I take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only person around here who has relationship problems. Everybody here has problems. I may not know what your problem is, but know that each person here has a relationship problem.

And yet, relationships are incredibly important in Christianity, and in the quality of life, and in the meaning of life. We want our relationships to work, and so it makes sense for us to look at what the Bible says about relationships. We should let God tell us what to do, because he is the one who designed us. He tells us how to have better relationships—but we don’t always like what he tells us. He tells us to change our ways, and it is hard for us to change our habits. That’s why we all still have problems, even after all these years.

But if we want our relationships to get any better, then we have to be willing to change, because improvement is a change. And if we don’t change, we can’t expect our relationships to change, or to improve. We have to be willing to change, and that means we have to be willing to be corrected. We have to admit that some of the stuff we do is wrong, and we need to change the way we treat other people.

OK, where do we begin? Maybe we should begin with the foundation quality of any relationship—and that is love. That’s what Pastor Bermie talked about last week—that different people tend to experience love in different ways.

Oh, boy, that really complicates things. It means that there is no perfect "model" for marriage, for example. What works for one couple may not work for another. It would be silly to copy somebody else when you are a different personality. We each have to take the principle of love and adapt it for our particular circumstances.

And that makes it really hard for me to get up here and give you any specifics, like five easy steps for fantastic friendships. We can’t approach interpersonal relationships with a cookie-cutter mentality. There’s no formula that makes everything work like a vending machine. Put in two quarters and press the button and presto – out comes a three-ounce package of intimacy.

Now, despite the fact that it’s hard to give specifics, the Bible does have quite a bit to say about relationships, about the way that we interact with one another, because it is very important. Jesus said the most important command in the Bible is to love God—that’s a relationship—and the second most-important command is to love your neighbor as yourself.

Paul quotes that command, too. It’s a command about relationships, and the fact that we can’t do it perfectly doesn’t mean that we should quit trying. If we are letting God to change us to be more like Christ, if we are letting Christ live in us, then the more we are doing that, then the more that we will love our neighbor. This is a fundamental principle of how life works best. This is a message from our Maker about how we will find the most happiness in life.

This is the way that life works best—but that does not mean that it is easy to do this. If we look around at the world, and if we look inside ourselves, we will see that people don’t just naturally do this. That’s why we have problems, and the world has problems, and the problems won’t go away unless we start doing something differently—even though it’s hard to change what we do.

In many ways, God’s way is strange – it is odd – it is contrary to what we might think. The path to greatness is through humility. The way to get more, is to give more. The way to have more self-respect is to respect other people more. The first shall be last, and the last will be first. The things that are wise in the world, are foolishness to God. Our cultural assumptions are often wrong. We have to be willing to let God re-direct our paths, and we have to let him re-structure our relationships. We have to let him tell us what love is, and how to love, and how to get along with our neighbor in the best possible way.

There are many commands in the New Testament about the way that we ought to treat one another. Most commonly, it is this: Love one another. That is quoted at least 12 times in the New Testament. That’s the basic foundation for all relationships.

The Bible also says, Be devoted to one another. Honor one another. Consider others better than yourselves. Submit to one another. Serve one another. Carry each other’s burdens. Be kind to one another. Be concerned about one another. Pray for each other. Encourage one another. Teach one another and build others up. Give hospitality to one another. Be at peace with one another. Be patient with one another. Be humble toward one another. Accept each other.

Or how about this one, from the book of Ephesians: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Eph. 4:32). Yes, we are to forgive one another, because God has forgiven us. His grace toward us should make a difference in the way we treat one another. His mercy toward us should transform our attitude toward other people. It should make a difference in our day-to-day lives, in our marriages, and on the job, and in our congregation.

Now, forgiveness doesn’t always mean that we pretend that nothing happened, and we do everything just like we used to. For example, let’s suppose that we have a friend who is always asking us for money, and then spends it on booze, and never repays it. We might forgive the person, but that doesn’t mean that we continue to give him money and thereby make it easy for the guy to sin. Love means that we help the guy quit, not make it easy to continue.

Forgiveness does not mean that we have to make it easy for people to continue to sin against us. There is a time to turn the other cheek; there is also a time to shake the dust off our sandals and go somewhere else. Forgiveness means that we don’t harbor a grudge, that we don’t desire vengeance. It does not mean that we should be suckers for sinners. Grace should make a difference in our attitudes, but it does not mean that we are foolish and encourage people to sin against us. We can stop making it easy – we can walk away – but we should not carry resentment and hatred against the person.

Jesus told a parable about forgiveness, and he makes a powerful point – so powerful, in fact, that it’s kind of scary. Matthew 18, starting in verse 21:

MT 18:21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

MT 18:22 Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

MT 18:23 "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten billion dollars was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

MT 18:26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. `Be patient with me,' he begged, `and I will pay back everything.' 27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

MT 18:28 "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred dollars. He grabbed him and began to choke him. `Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

MT 18:29 "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, `Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

MT 18:30 "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

MT 18:32 "Then the master called the servant in. `You wicked servant,' he said, `I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

MT 18:35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Jesus was talking to Peter here, and he’s talking to us, and he is saying that we will be punished if we do not forgive one another from the heart. Whoa, now, we’ve got a problem here, don’t we? No one here does that perfectly. No one here has the right to tell God that we have done what he commanded and therefore he is obligated to forgive us. He is not obligated to forgive anyone – that is why salvation is a matter of grace, and not something we can ever deserve.

Our inability to be as merciful as God is means that we fall short and we are continually in need of mercy. But God’s willingness to forgive us carries with it the obligation that we should be just as merciful to one another. The fact that we fall short does not mean that we don’t have to try. As we are being transformed into the image of God, his mercy toward us should lead us to be more merciful toward other people.

Our relationship with God is based on his grace, and our relationships with other people should also be based on grace, rooted in grace, transformed by grace. That’s a foundational principle of our relationships with one another. Don’t harbor grudges. Don’t desire revenge. We need to remember that we have been forgiven an enormous debt, and as we go through life we continue to need mercy, so we should be willing to forgive other people (without even counting).

God sets the example for us – and he also provides the power for us to be changed. But it’s a process, and it takes time. It’s a growth process, and we need to keep working at it if we want to get better at it. God doesn’t force us to do it, but he will help us if we want him to.

You see, in our fallen world, offenses are inevitable. Sin hurts people, and people sin, and we get hurt, and we sin, and we hurt other people. And, because we sometimes misunderstand each other, sometimes we take offense even when none was intended. We offend other people without even knowing it. We have unrealistic expectations about people, and we sometimes get our feelings hurt. That’s just inevitable, and we have to swallow some of it, and we have to deal with some of it.

Sermon on the Mount

How do we deal with it? Jesus told us how, in the Sermon on the Mount. In fact, a lot of what he said in the Sermon on the Mount concerns interpersonal relationships, so I’d like to examine what he said in a little more detail. We can start in verse 21, where Jesus starts to compare the law of the Old Testament with what God really wants of us.

Verse 21: "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, `Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’"

When was this said to the people? It was "long ago." It was at Mt. Sinai, in fact, in the days of Moses. This is a quote from the Torah – you shall not murder – and then a summary of the civil laws – whoever murders should be punished. The people of Jesus’ time heard this when Scripture was read to them. This was in the days before printing, and people heard Scripture more often than they read it. So Jesus is quoting the Torah – the law of Moses said that we should not murder.

But then, Jesus contrasts that with a stricter standard. This is what God really wants. Verse 22: "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment."

The Torah didn’t really say this, and Jesus does not claim that this is what the Law of Moses really meant. Rather, Jesus is saying this on this own authority: If we are angry at a brother, then we will be judged.

Now, Jesus himself did sometimes get angry. It is not a sin to be angry. But the point of what Jesus is saying is that we should be careful about anger. That is a basic principle of relationships. Anger destroys marriages, it destroys friendships, it can destroy congregations, too. We need to be very careful.

Jesus then says, "Again, anyone who says to his brother, `Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, `You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (v. 22).

Now, most likely, Jesus is not referring new cases to the Jewish leaders, as if they needed more business. In the saying about "raca," he is probably quoting something that the scribes were already teaching. He’s saying, You’re familiar with this law. Then he introduces a better standard, his own law. He is saying that the penalty for evil attitudes goes much further than a civil court—it goes all the way to the final judgment.

Now, Jesus himself called people "fool" [Matt. 23:17, same Greek word]. He’s not really making a new law, forbidding the use of this word, but he is issuing a warning. He is making a point with a startling statement. Here, the point is that we should not despise other people. This is far beyond what the Law of Moses said, but it is the standard that we really need to try for. We need to respect other people.

Jesus then gives two parables to illustrate: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift" (vs. 23-24).

Jesus is speaking positively about the offerings of the Old Testament worship system, but just because he is speaking positively about them does not mean that we are required to do them today. He is just using an illustration that was appropriate for the time in which he was speaking. His point is that interpersonal relationships have a high priority.

If someone has something against you (whether right or not), that person should have taken the first step, but if that person does not, do not wait. Take the initiative. That’s a principle of grace-based relationships—take the initiative to clear up problems. That’s the way that we can avoid resentment and grudges, hatred and bitterness.

Of course, it’s not always possible to resolve our problems before we come to worship. Sometimes the offended person lives in a different state, or is simply unavailable. Jesus is not giving a new law here, but stating a principle: we should try to reconcile.

Verses 25-26: "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."

Here again, it is not always possible to settle matters out of court. Nor should we let false accusers get away with everything they demand. Nor should fear of the court be our main motivation in settling with our adversary. Jesus is not making a law, but stating a principle: we should seek peace, and not always demand to win every argument. A grace-based relationship seeks peace, and reconciliation, and restoration.

Do not lust

In verse 27, Jesus turns to another area of interpersonal relationships, and that is marriage: "You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’" Yea, God said it on Mt. Sinai. But Jesus tells us "that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

The Ten Commandments tell us that we should not commit "adultery"—that’s a behavior that can be regulated by civil laws and penalties. It’s the kind of thing that can involves evidence that can prove a case in a court of law. But Jesus is talking about something that can’t be proven. He is saying that we shouldn’t even lust.

Boy, this is really relevant in the 21st century, isn’t it? Sex is prominent in our society, and some studies show that half of all marriages are affected by adultery at some point or another. Many marriages survive adultery, but not without a great deal of pain and problem. It is a really destructive thing, for what should be the closest relationship we have on earth. So God says that we shouldn’t do it. Sex has tremendous power, and if we don’t follow the directions God has given us, we will be burned. The rule is simple: no sex outside of marriage.

But Jesus points out that lust is also a problem that weakens and attacks our marriage relationships. Lust is a big problem in our society. Pornography is unfortunately easy to get, and in a congregation this size there is probably somebody here that has a serious problem with pornography.

But Jesus is saying that it is destructive of relationships. Some people might think it harmless, but pornography cheapens something that ought to be very special. It de-personalizes sex, presents sex without the context of an interpersonal relationship. It turns women into objects to be used, not as people who have feelings and people we have responsibilities toward. Pornography appeals to selfishness, not responsibility, and it therefore works contrary to good relationships.

Now, most pornography is designed for men. There are other imitation relationships that are targeted to women. These might be novels or movies that appeal to female selfishness. A woman might be tempted to think, I wish I had that kind of man, instead of the dud that I married.

Basically, the media can create dissatisfaction for either men or women, and Jesus is saying that if we start to lust for some other kind of spouse, real or fictional, we have committed adultery in our heart. We have already begun to destroy the bonds that ought to be keeping us together. When we sets our hearts on something we don’t have, we are going to be frustrated.

A grace-based marriage is going to be big on gratitude: always thankful that we have been given more than we deserve. The more we realize how much grace God has shown to us, the more we will realize how little we deserve, and the more thankful we will be for whatever we get. Grace leads to an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation.

This is serious business. Jesus says, "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell" (vs. 29-30). If there is something in your life that is coming between you and your spouse, exterminate it, eradicate it. Whatever it is, it’s not worth it. Your spouse is your highest priority, second only to God.

It is better to lose a body part than to lose eternal life. But that is not really our choice, because eyes and hands cannot cause us to sin. Sin originates in the heart, and what we need is a changed heart. Jesus' point is that we need surgery on our thoughts. We need extreme measures to eliminate sin.

Do not divorce

Jesus then turns his attention to the matter of divorce. Verse 31: "It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’" This refers to Deuteronomy 24:1-4, which accepts the certificate of divorce as a custom among the Israelites. This law did not allow a remarried woman to remarry her first husband, but other than this rare situation, it did not make any restrictions. The Law of Moses permitted divorce, but Jesus did not.

Verse 32: "But I tell you [Jesus said] that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

Now, this is a difficult saying, both to understand and to apply. The New Testament does make allowance for divorce in certain cases. I think the best interpretation here is to recognize that in all the other sayings of Jesus in this chapter, we can see that he was exagerrating, making a statement as if it had no exceptions, when in fact it does.

Here, too, it would be a mistake for us to treat Jesus' statement as a strict law. Jesus' saying here is really a shocking statement designed to make a point—in this case the point that divorce involves sin. God intended for marriages to be life-long, and we should try to keep them the way he intended. Divorce is a last resort, not a quick solution. That’s the approach we need for marriage relationships. A grace-based relationship does not have the attitude that if I don’t like it, then I’m quitting. A good relationship involves commitment.

Do not swear

Jesus next addressed the matter of personal honesty, which affects our relationships a great deal. Verse 33: "Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, `Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.’" These principles are taught in Scripture (Num. 30:2; Deut. 23:31). But what the Torah allowed, Jesus did not:

Verse 34: "But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King" (Matt. 5:34-35). "And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your `Yes' be `Yes,' and your `No,' `No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one" (vs. 36-37). The principle is simple: honesty—but the point is made in a startling way.

Jesus did not mean that we can’t use the word "swear," or when we are in court we are supposed to use the word "affirm," which in court means exactly the same thing. If we take it out of context, then it might look like an absolute law, but Jesus didn’t mean it as a strict rule.

After all, Jesus himself said more than Yes and No. For example, he said heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not. He called God as witness that what he was saying was true. This is more than a simple Yes or No. Paul also wrote some oath-like affirmations, rather than simply saying Yes (Rom. 7:1, 2 Cor. 1:23). So we see again that we should not take the bold statements of the Sermon on the Mount as prohibitions that must be enforced exactly as written.

The point is that we should be honest. We can sometimes emphasize that what we are saying is true, but this won’t be necessary very often if we have already built a reputation for being honest. People will take our word for it without all sorts of extra affirmations.

You see, relationships are built on trust, and dishonesty destroys trust. This is true in marriage, it’s true on the job with our clients, it is true in the congregation. If we think somebody is ugly, we don’t have to say so, but what we do say should be true. We don’t have to volunteer information when it’s none of their business, but if we do volunteer information, then it ought to be true, and if it is their business, then we ought to be honest about it. A grace-based relationship is going to be built with honesty.

Do not seek revenge

Starting in verse 38, Jesus begins to address the concept of revenge. He again quotes the law of Moses: "You have heard that it was said, `Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth'" (v. 38). The law of Moses prescribed a certain level of punishment for a certain level of crime. But what Moses required, Jesus did the opposite: "But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person" (v. 39).

Now, Jesus himself resisted evil persons. He drove moneychangers out of the temple. The apostles resisted false teachers. Paul objected when soldiers started to flog him. Jesus' statement here is again an exaggeration: It is sometimes permissible to resist evil persons. Jesus would allow us, for example, to resist evil people by reporting crime to the police.

Jesus' next statements must be seen as exaggerations, too. That doesn’t mean we can dismiss them as irrelevant. Rather, we must receive the principle, and we must allow it to challenge our behavior, without turning these rules into a new list of rules.

Jesus said, "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Actually, if someone hits us, it is often better to walk away, as Peter did (Acts 12:9). And we can voice an objection—Paul did that (Acts 23:3). Jesus is not giving us a new rule, but illustrating a principle.

Verses 40-42: "And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you" (vs. 40-42). Now, if people sue you for ten thousand dollars, you do not have to give them twenty thousand. If someone steals your car, you do not have to give your truck as well.

The point in these sayings is not that we have to let people take advantage of us. Rather, it is that we should not take revenge, and we should not harbor resentment about what they did to us. Try to make peace; do not try to hurt others. Don’t get bent out of shape about it. Don’t let it ruin your life or ruin your attitude. Just get on with life as best you can.

In any relationship in this world, people are going to sin against us. Sometimes on purpose, more often by accident, but Jesus is saying

Do not hate

"You have heard that it was said, `Love your neighbor and hate your enemy'" (v. 43). The Torah commands love, and it commanded Israel to kill all the Canaanites and to punish all evil-doers.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (v. 44). Jesus teaches a different way, a way less like the world. Why? What is the model for all this radical righteousness?

"That you may be sons of your Father in heaven" (v. 45). ...